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Sunday, October 25, 2009
Sachin's Records
Stupid's Exam Paper
STUPID'S EXAM PAPER
[This one's little difficult than last year's]
1. Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters (only alphabet are allowed, no numeric
digits or "_" allowed)
2. Sex?
( ) Male
( ) Female
( ) Don't know.
3. What's your age group?
( ) less than 0
( ) equal to 0
( ) greater than 0
4. What is 2 + 2=?
( ) FOUR
( ) 4
( ) IV
5. If you have one brother, how many brothers
does your brother have?
( ) none
( ) one
( ) question is too personal
6. Complete the following sentence... (4marks)
______ ________ ________ _________ .
7. If there are 365 days in a year, how many days make a year?
8. Read the statement carefully and answer the following question:
"My mother's daughter's brother's mother's mother's daughter's husband's wife is my mother herself".
Q. How many times the word "mother" appears in the above statement?
( ) None
( ) some times
( ) uncountable
9. If someone gives you a rupee for 100 paise, would you get:
( ) One rupee?
( ) 100 paise?
10. Write an Essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three sentences...
(HINT: My Name is ___________ (same as in [1] ).
I am a _______(boy/girl). (I am writing an essay.)
11. If the time is 3.00 a. m., what does your digital watch show?
12. At what time does the 11.16 hours Indrayani Express come?
13. What do you do on a honeymoon?
( ) Collect Honey
( ) Admire Moon
( ) Collect Honey while admiring the moon
14. Earth is Flat?
( ) False
( ) Indeed False
15. If A = B and B = C then is B = A?
( ) TRUE
( ) NOT FALSE
( ) OUT OF SYLLABUS
16. If you eat lunch during lunchtime, what will you have during dinnertime?
17. Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT.
18. Complete the following poem:
Mary had a little lamb
Little lamb little lamb_ (HINT: "." or "@" or"^")
19. This is question number
( ) 1
( ) 19
( ) 20
20. If 2 + 3 = 5, 3 + 2 = 5??
( ) YES
( ) I FORGOT TO GET MY CALCULATOR
21. Write full form of ASAP, as soon as possible ( Hint...As Soon as.. )
22. Opposite of the word "IN" is
( ) NOT IN
( ) CRICKET
( ) HOCKEY
23. What is the capital of India?
( ) India
( ) INDia
( ) INDIA
24. a, e, i, o and u are collectively called "vowels". What are e, a,o, u and i called?
25. Fill in the blank:
I am _________ a letter.
( ) READING
( ) WRITING
( ) SEALING
26. Who was the first MAN to land on moon?
( ) MR. ARMSTRONG
( ) MISS ARMSTRONG
( ) MRS ARMSTRONG
27. What comes first?
( ) the Egg
( ) the Omelet
28. Can you count more than five using your hands?
( ) YES
( ) NO
29. Spell M-Y-T-H-O-L-O-G-Y
30. Mrs. Sinha is Mr. Sinha's
( ) Father
( ) Brother
( ) Son
( ) Daughter
31. Car A starts from X and car B starts from Y. X and Y are located 100 miles apart from each other. How many wheels does each car have?
( ) One
( ) Four
( ) Seven
32. To reach the 12th floor of the World Trade Center, how many buttons would you press in the elevator?
( ) ONE
( ) TWELVE
33. Complete the following series [this question carries 3 marks]
1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, _, _, _.
34. This one tests your imagination. SUN is nearer to India than AMERICA because...
( ) SUN is smaller than AMERICA
( ) One can see SUN, but not AMERICA
( ) I do not have any time left to think on this one.
35. On which day Good Friday falls
( ) Sunday
( ) Wednesday
( ) Saturday
[This one's little difficult than last year's]
1. Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters (only alphabet are allowed, no numeric
digits or "_" allowed)
2. Sex?
( ) Male
( ) Female
( ) Don't know.
3. What's your age group?
( ) less than 0
( ) equal to 0
( ) greater than 0
4. What is 2 + 2=?
( ) FOUR
( ) 4
( ) IV
5. If you have one brother, how many brothers
does your brother have?
( ) none
( ) one
( ) question is too personal
6. Complete the following sentence... (4marks)
______ ________ ________ _________ .
7. If there are 365 days in a year, how many days make a year?
8. Read the statement carefully and answer the following question:
"My mother's daughter's brother's mother's mother's daughter's husband's wife is my mother herself".
Q. How many times the word "mother" appears in the above statement?
( ) None
( ) some times
( ) uncountable
9. If someone gives you a rupee for 100 paise, would you get:
( ) One rupee?
( ) 100 paise?
10. Write an Essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three sentences...
(HINT: My Name is ___________ (same as in [1] ).
I am a _______(boy/girl). (I am writing an essay.)
11. If the time is 3.00 a. m., what does your digital watch show?
12. At what time does the 11.16 hours Indrayani Express come?
13. What do you do on a honeymoon?
( ) Collect Honey
( ) Admire Moon
( ) Collect Honey while admiring the moon
14. Earth is Flat?
( ) False
( ) Indeed False
15. If A = B and B = C then is B = A?
( ) TRUE
( ) NOT FALSE
( ) OUT OF SYLLABUS
16. If you eat lunch during lunchtime, what will you have during dinnertime?
17. Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT.
18. Complete the following poem:
Mary had a little lamb
Little lamb little lamb_ (HINT: "." or "@" or"^")
19. This is question number
( ) 1
( ) 19
( ) 20
20. If 2 + 3 = 5, 3 + 2 = 5??
( ) YES
( ) I FORGOT TO GET MY CALCULATOR
21. Write full form of ASAP, as soon as possible ( Hint...As Soon as.. )
22. Opposite of the word "IN" is
( ) NOT IN
( ) CRICKET
( ) HOCKEY
23. What is the capital of India?
( ) India
( ) INDia
( ) INDIA
24. a, e, i, o and u are collectively called "vowels". What are e, a,o, u and i called?
25. Fill in the blank:
I am _________ a letter.
( ) READING
( ) WRITING
( ) SEALING
26. Who was the first MAN to land on moon?
( ) MR. ARMSTRONG
( ) MISS ARMSTRONG
( ) MRS ARMSTRONG
27. What comes first?
( ) the Egg
( ) the Omelet
28. Can you count more than five using your hands?
( ) YES
( ) NO
29. Spell M-Y-T-H-O-L-O-G-Y
30. Mrs. Sinha is Mr. Sinha's
( ) Father
( ) Brother
( ) Son
( ) Daughter
31. Car A starts from X and car B starts from Y. X and Y are located 100 miles apart from each other. How many wheels does each car have?
( ) One
( ) Four
( ) Seven
32. To reach the 12th floor of the World Trade Center, how many buttons would you press in the elevator?
( ) ONE
( ) TWELVE
33. Complete the following series [this question carries 3 marks]
1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, _, _, _.
34. This one tests your imagination. SUN is nearer to India than AMERICA because...
( ) SUN is smaller than AMERICA
( ) One can see SUN, but not AMERICA
( ) I do not have any time left to think on this one.
35. On which day Good Friday falls
( ) Sunday
( ) Wednesday
( ) Saturday
Male or Female
From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.
The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
MAGIC 8 BALL: Male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually
indicate it did not pay attention to your question.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
CRITIC: Female, What, this needs to be explained?
The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
MAGIC 8 BALL: Male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually
indicate it did not pay attention to your question.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
CRITIC: Female, What, this needs to be explained?
Funny Thoughts
Where is the cat in the catwalk?
Do models walk like cats?
Why are apartments so close together?
What idiot put an 's' in the word lisp?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Y2K???? Maybe 1 K just isn't enough.
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make
terrible?
If you had amnesia and then were cured, would you remember that you forgot?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Do hyenas laugh even when they are being killed?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
You know when you are driving and you notice one shoe on the road... whatever happened to the other shoe?
Why do we press harder on remote control buttons when we know the battery is dead?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
When you have your picture taken with Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, does the guy inside the costume smile for the camera?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in
the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has
wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If a member of a synchronized swimming team drowns, do the rest also drown?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Why do sky divers wear helmets ?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
How can there be self-help groups?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign-makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
How does the VCR clock work anyway?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How many times do you use a disposable razor?
Why do banks charge you an 'insufficient funds' fee for money they already know you don't have?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of his nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the frying pan?
If our knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?
If you are refinishing a table, shouldn't you have to restart?
If you have 24 odds and ends on a table, and 23 fall off, what do you have left, an odd or an end?
If you are cross-eyed and dyslexic at the same time, would you see okay?
If your in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn the headlights on?
When a crash-test-dummy hits his head, and no engineers record the results, does he make a sound?
When it rains, the sky is completely covered in clouds. How does the rain get through?
Where can you buy those little plastic ends to put on your shoe laces?
Why are there floatation device under plane seats, instead of parachutes?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why does sour cream have a use-by date?
Why does the door bell ring just after you've stepped out of the shower?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called a cargo?
Why is there always one in every crowd? If you took all the ones in every crowd and put them in another crowd, will there be one in that crowd?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why do we tend to raise our shoulders when we're out in the rain?
Why is it that when You're driving and looking for an address, You turn down the volume of the radio?
Why is it that you see this written on car seat belts:? This seat belt does not offer any protection if it is not buckled up?
Why is it that international magazines that advertise products will have the same description of something in different languages, but the description of each language is written in english? Who's that supposed to benefit?
Why do they print "serving suggestion" next to the picture of a product on its label?
Why do they print warning labels telling you not to eat poisonous substances when there isn't a "serving suggestion" on the label?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
How did a fool and his money get together?
How do they get a deer to cross at the yellow road sign?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
What is the speed of dark?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I live on a one-way dead-end street. Makes sense ?
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
What would happen if there were no hypothetical questions?
Read this sentence:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE- SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF- IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
Now count aloud the ' F' s in that sentence.
Count them ONLY ONCE; do not go back and count them again.
Then see below..
. Answer below (scroll down) ...
ANSWER:
There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds
three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you
got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six,
you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the OFs. The
human brain tends to see them as "V's" instead of "F's".
Things You Don't Want To Hear During a Surgery
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called !
- Oh no! I just lost my watch.
- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again...
- Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
- What's this doing here?
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
-You sure it wasn't this leg?
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- Are his relatives waiting outside?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- This scissor looks rusted.
- Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?
- Now from where did this spider come in from.
Do models walk like cats?
Why are apartments so close together?
What idiot put an 's' in the word lisp?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Y2K???? Maybe 1 K just isn't enough.
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make
terrible?
If you had amnesia and then were cured, would you remember that you forgot?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Do hyenas laugh even when they are being killed?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
You know when you are driving and you notice one shoe on the road... whatever happened to the other shoe?
Why do we press harder on remote control buttons when we know the battery is dead?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
When you have your picture taken with Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, does the guy inside the costume smile for the camera?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in
the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has
wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If a member of a synchronized swimming team drowns, do the rest also drown?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Why do sky divers wear helmets ?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
How can there be self-help groups?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign-makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
How does the VCR clock work anyway?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How many times do you use a disposable razor?
Why do banks charge you an 'insufficient funds' fee for money they already know you don't have?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of his nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the frying pan?
If our knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?
If you are refinishing a table, shouldn't you have to restart?
If you have 24 odds and ends on a table, and 23 fall off, what do you have left, an odd or an end?
If you are cross-eyed and dyslexic at the same time, would you see okay?
If your in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn the headlights on?
When a crash-test-dummy hits his head, and no engineers record the results, does he make a sound?
When it rains, the sky is completely covered in clouds. How does the rain get through?
Where can you buy those little plastic ends to put on your shoe laces?
Why are there floatation device under plane seats, instead of parachutes?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why does sour cream have a use-by date?
Why does the door bell ring just after you've stepped out of the shower?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called a cargo?
Why is there always one in every crowd? If you took all the ones in every crowd and put them in another crowd, will there be one in that crowd?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why do we tend to raise our shoulders when we're out in the rain?
Why is it that when You're driving and looking for an address, You turn down the volume of the radio?
Why is it that you see this written on car seat belts:? This seat belt does not offer any protection if it is not buckled up?
Why is it that international magazines that advertise products will have the same description of something in different languages, but the description of each language is written in english? Who's that supposed to benefit?
Why do they print "serving suggestion" next to the picture of a product on its label?
Why do they print warning labels telling you not to eat poisonous substances when there isn't a "serving suggestion" on the label?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
How did a fool and his money get together?
How do they get a deer to cross at the yellow road sign?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
What is the speed of dark?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I live on a one-way dead-end street. Makes sense ?
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
What would happen if there were no hypothetical questions?
Read this sentence:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE- SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF- IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
Now count aloud the ' F' s in that sentence.
Count them ONLY ONCE; do not go back and count them again.
Then see below..
. Answer below (scroll down) ...
ANSWER:
There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds
three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you
got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six,
you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the OFs. The
human brain tends to see them as "V's" instead of "F's".
Things You Don't Want To Hear During a Surgery
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called !
- Oh no! I just lost my watch.
- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again...
- Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
- What's this doing here?
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
-You sure it wasn't this leg?
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- Are his relatives waiting outside?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- This scissor looks rusted.
- Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?
- Now from where did this spider come in from.
Riddles
If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don't have it. What is it?
A secret.
The more you have of it, the less you see. What is it?
Darkness
What book was once owned by only the wealthy, but now everyone can have it?
You can't buy it in a bookstore or take it from a library.
A telephone book.
What gets whiter the dirtier that it gets?
A chalkboard
What happened in the middle of the twentieth century that will not happen again for 4,000 years?
The year 1961 can be read upside down and that won't happen again until 6009!
What has no beginning, end, or middle?
A doughnut.
What has to be broken before it can be used?
An egg.
What does no man want, yet no man wants to lose?
Work - Employment
How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of brick?
Only one, the last one.
What is everything to someone, and nothing to everyone else?
Your mind.
Big as a biscuit, deep as a cup, even a river can't fill it up. What is it?
A kitchen strainer.
What goes up and never comes down?
Your age.
What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide?
To cover cows.
What's long and thin, covered in skin; red in parts, and put in tarts?
Rhubarb.
What has feet and legs, and nothing else?
Stockings
What is the moon worth?
$1, because it has 4 quarters.
What grows when it eats, but dies when it drinks?
A candle.
What stays where it is when it goes off?
An alarm clock
You heard me before, yet you hear me again. Then I die, 'til you call me again. What am I?
An echo
There is a man standing over a dead body in a coffin, and another man walks in and asks, who's in the coffin. The first man replies, brothers and sisters, I have none, but this man's father is my fathers son. Who's in the coffin?
His son
There are 2 guards. One tells the truth and one lies. There are also 2 doors. One leads to Heaven and the other leads to the devils playground. One guard is in front of each door. You can only ask the guards ONE question and you have to ask the same question to both guards. What you are trying to find out is which door leads to Heaven and which door leads to the devil's playground.
Ask each one "What will the other one say is the door to heaven?" They should answer the same. Go in the opposite door they say.
Two boxers are in a boxing match (regular boxing, not kick boxing). The fight is scheduled for 12 rounds but ends after 6 rounds, after one boxer knocks out the other boxer. Yet no man throws a punch. How is this possible?
They were women boxing.
A farmer had seventeen sheep, all but nine died, how many did he have left?
9
A man builds a house with all 4 sides facing south. A bear walks past the house. What color is the bear?
Probably a white Polar Bear in the North Pole.
A skin have I, more eyes than one. I can be very nice when I am done. What am I?
A potato
Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
Mt.Everest
Can a man legally marry his widow's sister in the state of California?
No, he's dead
Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
She lived in the southern hemisphere.
He has married many women, but has never been married. Who is he?
A preacher.
How many of each animal did Moses take on the ark?
Moses didnt make the ark, Noah did.
How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?
Once, because after you subtract it's not 25 anymore.
How much dirt is in a hole 4 feet deep and 2 feet wide?
There is no dirt in a hole.
I know a word of letters three, add two and fewer there will be.
Few
If a rooster laid a brown egg and a white egg, what kind of chicks would hatch?
Roosters don't lay eggs.
If two's company and three's a crowd, what are four and five?
9
If you were in a dark room with a candle, a woodstove, a match and a gas lamp which do you light first?
The match
If you were standing directly on Antarcticas South Pole facing north, which direction would you travel if you took one step backward?
North
Is an old hundred dollar bill better than a new one?
No, I'd rather have $100 bill than a new $1 bill.
No sooner spoken than broken. What is it?
Silence or a promise.
Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
Every month has at least 28 days.
Take off my skin -- I won't cry, but you will! What am I?
An onion.
The more it dries, the wetter it gets. What is it?
A towel.
The more you take, the more you leave behind. What are they?
Foot steps.
There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. He has a wife and 2 kids. What does he weigh?
Meat
What can burn the eyes, sting the mouth, yet be consumed?
Peppers
What can go up a chimney down but can't go down a chimney up?
An umbrella.
What can go up and come down without moving?
The temperature.
What can pass before the sun without making a shadow?
The Earth.
What can you catch but not throw?
A cold.
What crime is punishable if attempted, but is not punishable if committed?
Suicide
What do the numbers 11, 69, and 88 all have in common?
They can all be flipped and still be the same.
What do you serve that you can't eat?
A tennis ball or guests.
What do you throw out when you want to use it, but take in when you don't want to use it?
A fishing line.
What goes up white and comes down yellow?
An egg.
What grows up while growing down?
A plant.
What one word has the most letters in it?
Alphabet.
What starts with a T, ends with a T, and has T in it?
A teapot.
What travels around the world yet stays in one corner?
A stamp.
What two words contain the most letters?
post office
What's the difference between here and there?
The letter T.
Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white," or "The yolk of the egg is white?"
Neither, because egg yolks are yellow.
Which moves faster: heat or cold?
Heat, because you can catch a cold.
You answer me, although I never ask you questions. What am I?
The telephone.
You can't keep this until you have given it.
Your word.
There is $21.00 in 1 dollar bills that has to be split evenly among the 2 fathers and 2 sons. How is this possible?
There is only really three people...a grandfather, the father, and the father's son who each get $7.
A Man walked up to his house and he heard his wife scream " John Don't do it!" and the man ran inside and saw his wife, dead on the floor. Around her was a Baker, Milkman, and a Doctor. The man goes up to the Milkman and says "U did It!". How did the man know he did it?
The baker and the doctor were both women and John the milkman was the only guy.
What do you call a country, where all the cars in it are pink?
A pink carnation.
There is an ancient invention still used in some parts of the world today that allows people to see through walls. What is it?
A Window
What question can someone ask all day long, always get completely different answers, and yet all the answers could be correct?
"What time is it?"
In a certain city, 5% of all the persons in town have unlisted phone numbers. If you select 100 names at random from that city's phone directory, how many people selected will have unlisted phone numbers?
None. If their names are in the phone directory, they do not have unlisted phone numbers!
There is a horse tied to a rope. The rope is 10 feet long. There is a bale of hay 23 feet in front of the horse. The horse is able to eat the hay, yet does not break the rope. How is that possible?
The rope isn't tied to anything!
After a man had been blindfolded, someone hung up his hat. The man walked 100 yards, turned around, and shot a bullet through his hat. How is such a feat possible?
His hat was hung over the barrel of the rifle!
At a posh restaurant I was having dinner with a noted historian. We were discussing the relative merits of Woodrow Wilson, when my friend turned to me and said, "I'll tell you all you need to know about the character of Woodrow Wilson. Why when he ran for president, his own mother didn't even vote for him!"
"Is that true?", I asked.
"Of course, it's true," he said. "I know whereof I speak."
That ended the discussion. I didn't realize until I got home that, although my friend spoke the truth, I had been tricked. How had I been mislead?
Of course Woodrow Wilson's mother did not vote for her son. She couldn't. Women didn't have the right to vote before 1920.
How is it possible to shave three times a day and still grow a beard?
If you were a barber, you could shave other men three times a day and still grow your own beard.
A man fell off a 20-foot ladder and landed on the sidewalk, but he did not get hurt. Why not?
He fell off the bottom rung!
Why are 1980 pennies worth almost $20?
1,980 pennies equals $19.80, which is almost $20.
Which is correct: 18 plus 19 is 36. Or 18 plus 19 are 36?
Actually neither is correct - 18 plus 19 is 37!
Is it physically possible for you to stand behind your mother, and for your mother to stand behind you at the same time?
Yes, if you stand back to back.
In a marathon race what does the winning runner lose?
Their breath!
Why didn't Beethoven finish the Unfinished Symphony?
The Unfinished Symphony was started by Schubert, not Beethoven!
What has holes but holds water?
A sponge
David's father has three sons : Snap, Crackle and _____ ?
David
What is harder to catch the faster you run?
Your breath!
What is the beginning of eternity, the end of time, and the beginning of every ending?
The letter "E".
What do some men have they don't want, but would not part it for a million dollars?
A bald head.
A hundred feet in the air, but it's back is on the ground.
What is it?
A centipede flipped over.
A father's child, a mother's child, yet no one's son.
A Daughter.
Forward I am heavy, but backward I am not.
What am I?
Forward I am ton, backwards I am not.
What do you fill with empty hands?
Gloves
What has a foot on each side and one in the middle?
A yardstick.
What kind of coat can be put on only when wet?
A coat of paint.
What object has keys that open no locks, space but no room, and you can enter but not go in
A computer keyboard.
Mary left on a horse on Sunday, was gone for four days, and came back on Sunday.
How did that happen?
The horse's name was Sunday!
What is once in a minute, twice in a moment, and never in a thousand years?
The letter M.
What gets larger as you take more from it?
A hole.
What questions can you never ever answer with a "yes"?
What time is it?
Are you sleeping?
Are you dead?
If a train was on its way to Florida and it tipped over,
where would they bury the survivors?
They wouldn't need to, the survivors are still alive!
If you are in a one story house that is all blue, what color are the stairs?
There are no stairs! Its a one story house!
If you are in a room with no doors or no windows
and you have a ball and a bat, how do you get out?
Three strikes your out!
The maker doesn't want it.
The buyer doesn't use it.
And the user doesn't see it.
What is it?
A coffin.
Four men sat down to play,
They played all night 'till break of day,
They played for gold and not for fun
With separate scores for everyone.
When they came to square accounts,
They all had made quite fair amounts.
Can you the pardox explain,
If no one lost, how could all gain?
They were not playing against each other.
In a tunnel of darkness lies a beast of iron. It can only attack when pulled back.
What is it?
A bullet in a revolver
What can be swallowed, but can also swallow you?
Pride
What's better than the best thing and worse than the worst thing?
Literally, the word NOTHING
What two things can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner
Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
Beacause they have scales!
What kind of nut has no shell?
A doughnut.
A girl named Julie threw a ball.
Without a string, without bouncing it off anything,
and without having anyone throw it back to her, it came back.
How is this possible?
She threw it in the air.
Pretend you're a bus driver. You start at New York and fifty people get on.
Then you drive to New Jersey and twenty people get off, while five get on.
Then you go to Florida and ten people get off while fourteen get back on.
When you get to New Mexico, twenty people leave and five more get back on.
When you reach California everyone get's back on. How old is the bus driver?
Your age, remember, you're the bus driver!
There was a pond.
The pond was empty except for its water.
On the 1st day there was one lily pad.
On the 2nd day there were two lily pads.
On the 3rd day there were four lily pads.
On the 4th day there were eight lily pads.
Everyday the lily pads doubled.
It took 60 days to fill the pond with lily pads.
How many days did it take to half fill the pond with lily pads?
If the lily pads doubled everyday. And it took 60 days to fill the pond with them. Then the pond must have been half full the day before it was full. Thus, the answers is, 59 DAYS
While on my way to St. Ives
I saw a man with 7 wives
Each wife had 7 sacks
Each sack had 7 cats
Each cat had 7 kittens
Kitten, cats, sacks, wives
How many were going to St. Ives?
Just one, me.
Q: If a plane crashed on the border of England and Scotland, where would they bury the survivors?
A: you don't bury survivors
Q: Twelve pears hanging high, twelve men passing by, each took a pear and left eleven hanging there. How can this be? How can eleven pears be left?
A: 'Each' is a mans name!
Q: If there's a frog, dead in the centre of a lilypad which is right in the middle of the pond, which side would it jump to?
A: neither, the frog is dead!
Q: You're a bus driver. At the first stop 4 people get on. At the second stop 8 people on, at the third stop 2 people get off and, at the forth stop everyone got off. The question is what color are the bus drivers eyes?
A: The same as yours, you're the bus driver.
Q: What never gets any wetter, no matter how much it rains?
A: The sea!
Q: A man went outside in the pouring rain with no protection, but not a hair on his head got wet...how come?
A: He was bald.
Q: David's father has three sons : Snap, Crackle and _____ ?
A: David
Q: What has a mouth but doesn't eat, a bank with no money, a bed but doesn't sleep, and waves but has no hands?
A: a river.
Q: A cowboy rode to an inn on Friday. He stayed two nights and left on Friday. How could that be?
A: His horse was called Friday.
Q: If the red house is on the right side and if the blue house is on the left side where's the white house?
A: Washington DC
A secret.
The more you have of it, the less you see. What is it?
Darkness
What book was once owned by only the wealthy, but now everyone can have it?
You can't buy it in a bookstore or take it from a library.
A telephone book.
What gets whiter the dirtier that it gets?
A chalkboard
What happened in the middle of the twentieth century that will not happen again for 4,000 years?
The year 1961 can be read upside down and that won't happen again until 6009!
What has no beginning, end, or middle?
A doughnut.
What has to be broken before it can be used?
An egg.
What does no man want, yet no man wants to lose?
Work - Employment
How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of brick?
Only one, the last one.
What is everything to someone, and nothing to everyone else?
Your mind.
Big as a biscuit, deep as a cup, even a river can't fill it up. What is it?
A kitchen strainer.
What goes up and never comes down?
Your age.
What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide?
To cover cows.
What's long and thin, covered in skin; red in parts, and put in tarts?
Rhubarb.
What has feet and legs, and nothing else?
Stockings
What is the moon worth?
$1, because it has 4 quarters.
What grows when it eats, but dies when it drinks?
A candle.
What stays where it is when it goes off?
An alarm clock
You heard me before, yet you hear me again. Then I die, 'til you call me again. What am I?
An echo
There is a man standing over a dead body in a coffin, and another man walks in and asks, who's in the coffin. The first man replies, brothers and sisters, I have none, but this man's father is my fathers son. Who's in the coffin?
His son
There are 2 guards. One tells the truth and one lies. There are also 2 doors. One leads to Heaven and the other leads to the devils playground. One guard is in front of each door. You can only ask the guards ONE question and you have to ask the same question to both guards. What you are trying to find out is which door leads to Heaven and which door leads to the devil's playground.
Ask each one "What will the other one say is the door to heaven?" They should answer the same. Go in the opposite door they say.
Two boxers are in a boxing match (regular boxing, not kick boxing). The fight is scheduled for 12 rounds but ends after 6 rounds, after one boxer knocks out the other boxer. Yet no man throws a punch. How is this possible?
They were women boxing.
A farmer had seventeen sheep, all but nine died, how many did he have left?
9
A man builds a house with all 4 sides facing south. A bear walks past the house. What color is the bear?
Probably a white Polar Bear in the North Pole.
A skin have I, more eyes than one. I can be very nice when I am done. What am I?
A potato
Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
Mt.Everest
Can a man legally marry his widow's sister in the state of California?
No, he's dead
Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
She lived in the southern hemisphere.
He has married many women, but has never been married. Who is he?
A preacher.
How many of each animal did Moses take on the ark?
Moses didnt make the ark, Noah did.
How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?
Once, because after you subtract it's not 25 anymore.
How much dirt is in a hole 4 feet deep and 2 feet wide?
There is no dirt in a hole.
I know a word of letters three, add two and fewer there will be.
Few
If a rooster laid a brown egg and a white egg, what kind of chicks would hatch?
Roosters don't lay eggs.
If two's company and three's a crowd, what are four and five?
9
If you were in a dark room with a candle, a woodstove, a match and a gas lamp which do you light first?
The match
If you were standing directly on Antarcticas South Pole facing north, which direction would you travel if you took one step backward?
North
Is an old hundred dollar bill better than a new one?
No, I'd rather have $100 bill than a new $1 bill.
No sooner spoken than broken. What is it?
Silence or a promise.
Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
Every month has at least 28 days.
Take off my skin -- I won't cry, but you will! What am I?
An onion.
The more it dries, the wetter it gets. What is it?
A towel.
The more you take, the more you leave behind. What are they?
Foot steps.
There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. He has a wife and 2 kids. What does he weigh?
Meat
What can burn the eyes, sting the mouth, yet be consumed?
Peppers
What can go up a chimney down but can't go down a chimney up?
An umbrella.
What can go up and come down without moving?
The temperature.
What can pass before the sun without making a shadow?
The Earth.
What can you catch but not throw?
A cold.
What crime is punishable if attempted, but is not punishable if committed?
Suicide
What do the numbers 11, 69, and 88 all have in common?
They can all be flipped and still be the same.
What do you serve that you can't eat?
A tennis ball or guests.
What do you throw out when you want to use it, but take in when you don't want to use it?
A fishing line.
What goes up white and comes down yellow?
An egg.
What grows up while growing down?
A plant.
What one word has the most letters in it?
Alphabet.
What starts with a T, ends with a T, and has T in it?
A teapot.
What travels around the world yet stays in one corner?
A stamp.
What two words contain the most letters?
post office
What's the difference between here and there?
The letter T.
Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white," or "The yolk of the egg is white?"
Neither, because egg yolks are yellow.
Which moves faster: heat or cold?
Heat, because you can catch a cold.
You answer me, although I never ask you questions. What am I?
The telephone.
You can't keep this until you have given it.
Your word.
There is $21.00 in 1 dollar bills that has to be split evenly among the 2 fathers and 2 sons. How is this possible?
There is only really three people...a grandfather, the father, and the father's son who each get $7.
A Man walked up to his house and he heard his wife scream " John Don't do it!" and the man ran inside and saw his wife, dead on the floor. Around her was a Baker, Milkman, and a Doctor. The man goes up to the Milkman and says "U did It!". How did the man know he did it?
The baker and the doctor were both women and John the milkman was the only guy.
What do you call a country, where all the cars in it are pink?
A pink carnation.
There is an ancient invention still used in some parts of the world today that allows people to see through walls. What is it?
A Window
What question can someone ask all day long, always get completely different answers, and yet all the answers could be correct?
"What time is it?"
In a certain city, 5% of all the persons in town have unlisted phone numbers. If you select 100 names at random from that city's phone directory, how many people selected will have unlisted phone numbers?
None. If their names are in the phone directory, they do not have unlisted phone numbers!
There is a horse tied to a rope. The rope is 10 feet long. There is a bale of hay 23 feet in front of the horse. The horse is able to eat the hay, yet does not break the rope. How is that possible?
The rope isn't tied to anything!
After a man had been blindfolded, someone hung up his hat. The man walked 100 yards, turned around, and shot a bullet through his hat. How is such a feat possible?
His hat was hung over the barrel of the rifle!
At a posh restaurant I was having dinner with a noted historian. We were discussing the relative merits of Woodrow Wilson, when my friend turned to me and said, "I'll tell you all you need to know about the character of Woodrow Wilson. Why when he ran for president, his own mother didn't even vote for him!"
"Is that true?", I asked.
"Of course, it's true," he said. "I know whereof I speak."
That ended the discussion. I didn't realize until I got home that, although my friend spoke the truth, I had been tricked. How had I been mislead?
Of course Woodrow Wilson's mother did not vote for her son. She couldn't. Women didn't have the right to vote before 1920.
How is it possible to shave three times a day and still grow a beard?
If you were a barber, you could shave other men three times a day and still grow your own beard.
A man fell off a 20-foot ladder and landed on the sidewalk, but he did not get hurt. Why not?
He fell off the bottom rung!
Why are 1980 pennies worth almost $20?
1,980 pennies equals $19.80, which is almost $20.
Which is correct: 18 plus 19 is 36. Or 18 plus 19 are 36?
Actually neither is correct - 18 plus 19 is 37!
Is it physically possible for you to stand behind your mother, and for your mother to stand behind you at the same time?
Yes, if you stand back to back.
In a marathon race what does the winning runner lose?
Their breath!
Why didn't Beethoven finish the Unfinished Symphony?
The Unfinished Symphony was started by Schubert, not Beethoven!
What has holes but holds water?
A sponge
David's father has three sons : Snap, Crackle and _____ ?
David
What is harder to catch the faster you run?
Your breath!
What is the beginning of eternity, the end of time, and the beginning of every ending?
The letter "E".
What do some men have they don't want, but would not part it for a million dollars?
A bald head.
A hundred feet in the air, but it's back is on the ground.
What is it?
A centipede flipped over.
A father's child, a mother's child, yet no one's son.
A Daughter.
Forward I am heavy, but backward I am not.
What am I?
Forward I am ton, backwards I am not.
What do you fill with empty hands?
Gloves
What has a foot on each side and one in the middle?
A yardstick.
What kind of coat can be put on only when wet?
A coat of paint.
What object has keys that open no locks, space but no room, and you can enter but not go in
A computer keyboard.
Mary left on a horse on Sunday, was gone for four days, and came back on Sunday.
How did that happen?
The horse's name was Sunday!
What is once in a minute, twice in a moment, and never in a thousand years?
The letter M.
What gets larger as you take more from it?
A hole.
What questions can you never ever answer with a "yes"?
What time is it?
Are you sleeping?
Are you dead?
If a train was on its way to Florida and it tipped over,
where would they bury the survivors?
They wouldn't need to, the survivors are still alive!
If you are in a one story house that is all blue, what color are the stairs?
There are no stairs! Its a one story house!
If you are in a room with no doors or no windows
and you have a ball and a bat, how do you get out?
Three strikes your out!
The maker doesn't want it.
The buyer doesn't use it.
And the user doesn't see it.
What is it?
A coffin.
Four men sat down to play,
They played all night 'till break of day,
They played for gold and not for fun
With separate scores for everyone.
When they came to square accounts,
They all had made quite fair amounts.
Can you the pardox explain,
If no one lost, how could all gain?
They were not playing against each other.
In a tunnel of darkness lies a beast of iron. It can only attack when pulled back.
What is it?
A bullet in a revolver
What can be swallowed, but can also swallow you?
Pride
What's better than the best thing and worse than the worst thing?
Literally, the word NOTHING
What two things can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner
Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
Beacause they have scales!
What kind of nut has no shell?
A doughnut.
A girl named Julie threw a ball.
Without a string, without bouncing it off anything,
and without having anyone throw it back to her, it came back.
How is this possible?
She threw it in the air.
Pretend you're a bus driver. You start at New York and fifty people get on.
Then you drive to New Jersey and twenty people get off, while five get on.
Then you go to Florida and ten people get off while fourteen get back on.
When you get to New Mexico, twenty people leave and five more get back on.
When you reach California everyone get's back on. How old is the bus driver?
Your age, remember, you're the bus driver!
There was a pond.
The pond was empty except for its water.
On the 1st day there was one lily pad.
On the 2nd day there were two lily pads.
On the 3rd day there were four lily pads.
On the 4th day there were eight lily pads.
Everyday the lily pads doubled.
It took 60 days to fill the pond with lily pads.
How many days did it take to half fill the pond with lily pads?
If the lily pads doubled everyday. And it took 60 days to fill the pond with them. Then the pond must have been half full the day before it was full. Thus, the answers is, 59 DAYS
While on my way to St. Ives
I saw a man with 7 wives
Each wife had 7 sacks
Each sack had 7 cats
Each cat had 7 kittens
Kitten, cats, sacks, wives
How many were going to St. Ives?
Just one, me.
Q: If a plane crashed on the border of England and Scotland, where would they bury the survivors?
A: you don't bury survivors
Q: Twelve pears hanging high, twelve men passing by, each took a pear and left eleven hanging there. How can this be? How can eleven pears be left?
A: 'Each' is a mans name!
Q: If there's a frog, dead in the centre of a lilypad which is right in the middle of the pond, which side would it jump to?
A: neither, the frog is dead!
Q: You're a bus driver. At the first stop 4 people get on. At the second stop 8 people on, at the third stop 2 people get off and, at the forth stop everyone got off. The question is what color are the bus drivers eyes?
A: The same as yours, you're the bus driver.
Q: What never gets any wetter, no matter how much it rains?
A: The sea!
Q: A man went outside in the pouring rain with no protection, but not a hair on his head got wet...how come?
A: He was bald.
Q: David's father has three sons : Snap, Crackle and _____ ?
A: David
Q: What has a mouth but doesn't eat, a bank with no money, a bed but doesn't sleep, and waves but has no hands?
A: a river.
Q: A cowboy rode to an inn on Friday. He stayed two nights and left on Friday. How could that be?
A: His horse was called Friday.
Q: If the red house is on the right side and if the blue house is on the left side where's the white house?
A: Washington DC
Funny Definitions
New Definitions
Atom Bomb :
An invention to end all inventions.
Boss :
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Cigarette :
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Classic :
A book which people praise, but do not read.
Committee :
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Compromise :
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conference :
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room :
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Criminal :
A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Dictionary :
A place where success comes before work.
Diplomat :
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Divorce :
Future tense of marriage.
Doctor :
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Etc. :
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience :
The name men give to their mistakes.
Father:
A banker provided by nature.
Lecture :
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Miser :
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Office :
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Opportunist :
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist :
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Philosopher :
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Politician :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Smile :
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Tears :
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Yawn :
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car
approaches.
DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.
PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.
SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western.
OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to thetelephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
Atom Bomb :
An invention to end all inventions.
Boss :
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Cigarette :
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Classic :
A book which people praise, but do not read.
Committee :
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Compromise :
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conference :
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room :
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Criminal :
A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Dictionary :
A place where success comes before work.
Diplomat :
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Divorce :
Future tense of marriage.
Doctor :
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Etc. :
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience :
The name men give to their mistakes.
Father:
A banker provided by nature.
Lecture :
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Miser :
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Office :
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Opportunist :
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist :
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Philosopher :
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Politician :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Smile :
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Tears :
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Yawn :
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car
approaches.
DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.
PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.
SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western.
OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to thetelephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
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